FAQ 006
WHEN A HUSBAND OR WIFE BECOMES A STUMBLING BLOCK IN CHURCH-RELATED DECISIONS, WHAT SHOULD WE DO?
Marriage, Mutual Submission, Spiritual Responsibility and Kingdom Order
Marriage is a covenant of one-flesh unity under Christ. When spouses disagree about church attendance, ministry involvement, giving, spiritual relationships or other faith-related decisions, the answer is neither domination nor rebellion, but truth, sacrificial love, mutual honour, prayer, wise counsel and obedience to Christ.
1. Introduction
This question raises a very practical marriage question: what should a believer do when a husband or wife appears to become a stumbling block or attempts to override decisions concerning church-related matters?
To develop the issue more fully, several important biblical distinctions are needed. A spouse may sometimes be resisting genuine obedience to God, but at other times the spouse may be raising a legitimate concern about time, finances, children, unhealthy church expectations or neglected family responsibilities. The word “stumbling block” must therefore not be used simply because a spouse disagrees with us.
QUESTION
If a husband or wife becomes a stumbling block or wants to override decisions concerning church-related matters, what should we do?
SHORT ANSWER
A Christian marriage should not be governed by domination, manipulation or unilateral spiritual decisions. Husband and wife are one flesh and are called to live under the lordship of Christ, to honour one another, and to seek unity through prayer, Scripture, honest conversation and sacrificial love.
Scripture describes the husband as head of the wife, but the model for that headship is Christ giving Himself for the church. It is therefore responsibility expressed through self-giving love, not permission to control. Likewise, biblical submission does not require a wife to participate in sin, endure abuse, silence her conscience or accept every decision without discussion.
When disagreement concerns ordinary church participation, giving, ministry schedules, children or spiritual relationships, the couple should slow the decision down and seek agreement wherever possible. Where a spouse directly demands disobedience to God, the believer must obey God rather than man, while still acting with humility, love and peace.
2. Marriage Creates a One-Flesh Covenant
Genesis 2:24 (BSB)
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
Marriage establishes a new primary human covenant. Husband and wife are no longer two independent lives merely sharing a house. Their decisions affect one another spiritually, emotionally, financially and practically.
Note that conflict should not immediately send either spouse running back to parents for escape or control. Healthy marriage requires the couple to learn to face disagreements honestly and work through them. At the same time, seeking wise counsel from mature believers, counsellors or family elders can be appropriate when the couple cannot resolve an issue alone.
3. Begin With Mutual Submission to Christ
Ephesians 5:21 (BSB)
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
The household instructions that follow in Ephesians 5 are framed by reverence for Christ. Before asking whether the wife is submitting to the husband or whether the husband is leading correctly, both must ask whether they themselves are submitted to Christ.
This prevents marriage from becoming a struggle for power. Christian marriage is not two people competing to establish whose will wins. It is two disciples seeking the will of One Lord.
4. The Husband’s Headship Is Modelled on Christ
Ephesians 5:23-25 (BSB)
For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, His body, of which He is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.
The Bible emphasises the husband’s responsibility as head of the household. That principle must be interpreted through the pattern Paul gives: Christ-like, sacrificial love.
It is important to clarify one theological point. Ephesians 5:23 calls Christ the Savior of the body; it does not say that the husband becomes the savior of his wife. The husband represents Christ by laying down his life in love, service, protection and responsibility. He never replaces Christ.
Biblical headship therefore does not mean:
- making every decision alone;
- silencing the wife’s wisdom or conscience;
- using Scripture to force compliance;
- controlling money, movement, relationships or worship through fear;
- treating disagreement as rebellion;
- placing ministry success above the wellbeing of the marriage.
A husband who follows Christ leads first by dying to selfishness.
5. The Wife’s Submission Is “As Is Fitting in the Lord”
Colossians 3:18-19 (BSB)
Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.
Paul places both responsibilities together. The wife is called to a posture of honour and cooperation; the husband is commanded to love and not become harsh.
The phrase “as is fitting in the Lord” is significant. Biblical submission operates within allegiance to Christ. It cannot be used to require participation in sin, deception, abuse or conduct contrary to Scripture.
6. Husband and Wife Are Equal in Worth and Co-Heirs of Grace
1 Peter 3:7 (BSB)
Husbands, in the same way, treat your wives with consideration as a delicate vessel, and with honor as fellow heirs of the gracious gift of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.
Biblical role distinctions must never be interpreted as inequality of worth. Husband and wife stand before God as fellow heirs of grace. The husband’s spiritual responsibility therefore includes listening, understanding and honouring his wife.
A man who continually dismisses his wife’s concerns while demanding “submission” has missed the very pattern of Christ-like leadership he is called to demonstrate.
7. Disagreement Is Not Automatically Rebellion
A wife is not trespassing merely because she disagrees with her husband, and a husband is not automatically a stumbling block merely because he questions a church decision.
Disagreement may reveal selfishness, fear or rebellion – but it may also reveal wisdom, conscience, incomplete information, family strain or a legitimate warning.
A healthy marriage makes room for questions such as:
- What are we actually disagreeing about?
- Is this a command of Scripture or merely a church preference?
- What effect will this decision have on our marriage, children, finances and responsibilities?
- Is either of us reacting from fear, offence, pride or control?
- Have we prayed together before deciding?
- Are we listening to each other or merely trying to win?
8. Church Activity Must Not Be Used to Neglect the Family
1 Timothy 5:8 (BSB)
If anyone does not provide for his own, and especially his own household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
A spouse may sometimes appear “unspiritual” simply because he or she is resisting an unhealthy ministry schedule, financial burden or pattern of neglect. Scripture never gives a believer permission to abandon covenant responsibilities in the name of church activity.
A pastor, elder or spiritual father should not encourage one spouse to disregard the other in order to secure more time, money or loyalty for ministry. Healthy spiritual leadership strengthens marriages rather than competing with them.
9. When a Spouse Truly Becomes a Stumbling Block
There are situations in which a spouse does genuinely pressure the other away from obedience to Christ. Examples may include:
- demanding that the believer renounce Christ;
- forbidding all prayer, Scripture or Christian fellowship out of hostility to faith;
- requiring participation in occult, criminal or immoral practices;
- demanding dishonesty, corruption or sexual sin;
- using threats or coercion to force disobedience to a clear command of God.
In such cases the believer must remain faithful to God.
Acts 5:29 (BSB)
But Peter and the other apostles replied, “We must obey God rather than men.”
Even then, obedience to God should not become an excuse for arrogance, provocation or contempt toward the spouse. The believer should seek to act in truth, peace and love.
10. What If One Spouse Is Not a Believer?
Scripture specifically addresses marriages in which one spouse believes and the other does not. Paul does not instruct the Christian automatically to leave. If the unbelieving spouse is willing to remain in the marriage, the believer should remain faithful to the covenant (see 1 Corinthians 7:12-16).
This means a Christian should not weaponise church involvement against an unbelieving spouse. Faithfulness, holiness, patience and consistent character can become a powerful witness.
1 Peter 3:1-2 (BSB)
Wives, in the same way, submit yourselves to your husbands so that even if they refuse to believe the word, they will be won over without words by the behavior of their wives when they see your pure and reverent demeanor.
The same redemptive principle applies more broadly: Christlike conduct often speaks more loudly than repeated arguments.
11. Love and Respect Must Work Together
Scripture highlights love and respect in marriage. Conflict often intensifies when one spouse feels unloved and the other feels dishonoured.
However, love and respect should not be reduced to stereotypes. Both spouses are called to honour, listen, forgive, serve and speak truth. The husband must love sacrificially; the wife should respond with respect and partnership; both are accountable to Christ.
Ephesians 4:2-3 (BSB)
Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love, and with diligence to preserve the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.
12. Resolve Conflict Privately Before Escalating It
Matthew 18:15 (BSB)
If your brother sins against you, go and confront him privately. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.
Matthew 18 must also be applied to marital conflict. The principle of private, direct conversation is helpful, but the passage should not be used to label every disagreement as “sin” or to threaten a spouse with church discipline.
A better first step is private conversation: explain the concern clearly, listen carefully, identify the real issue and seek reconciliation. If genuine sin is involved and the couple cannot resolve it, mature counsel may be appropriate.
13. Listen Before You Judge the Motive
James 1:19-20 (BSB)
My beloved brothers, understand this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteousness that God desires.
Many church-related conflicts are intensified because each spouse assumes the worst about the other. One assumes, “You do not love God,” while the other assumes, “You care more about church than about us.”
Listening often reveals that the visible argument is not the real problem. The underlying issue may be loneliness, fear, finances, exhaustion, previous church hurt, distrust of a leader, or a feeling of being excluded from decisions.
14. Decisions About Giving Require Marriage Integrity
Financial giving to church or ministry can become a major source of tension. A married couple should not normally make significant financial commitments that materially affect the household while deliberately hiding them from one another.
Generosity is biblical, but so are honesty, stewardship and household responsibility. Where spouses disagree over giving, the goal should be transparency, prayer and a sustainable agreement rather than secret giving or coercion.
2 Corinthians 9:7 (BSB)
Each one should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not out of regret or compulsion. For God loves a cheerful giver.
15. Decisions About Church Attendance and Ministry Time
Regular Christian fellowship is important, but a marriage can also be damaged when one spouse is absent from the home for nearly every church activity. The question should not be framed as “church versus spouse,” but as faithful stewardship of both spiritual fellowship and covenant responsibility.
Couples may need to agree on:
- which gatherings are essential;
- which ministry commitments are optional;
- how much time can realistically be given;
- how children will participate;
- how rest and family time will be protected;
- what to do during seasons of illness, work pressure or caregiving.
16. Spiritual Fathers and Pastors Should Not Replace the Marriage Covenant
No pastor or spiritual father should become the controlling third party in a marriage. Spiritual leaders can advise, teach and mediate, but they should not demand loyalty that bypasses the spouse or undermines the one-flesh covenant.
A healthy spiritual father will normally encourage a husband and wife to communicate, reconcile and grow together rather than instruct one spouse to use spiritual authority against the other.
17. What If We Cannot Reach Agreement?
Some decisions cannot be solved in one conversation. When agreement is not reached, the couple may need to pause rather than force the issue.
A wise process may include:
- pray separately and together;
- identify what Scripture clearly commands and what remains a matter of wisdom;
- write down each spouse’s concerns;
- seek counsel from mature, impartial believers who value both marriage and truth;
- avoid making irreversible decisions while angry;
- allow time for trust, information and understanding to grow.
Unity is not always instantaneous. Sometimes maturity is demonstrated by patiently working toward agreement rather than demanding immediate victory.
18. What If There Is Coercion, Threats or Abuse?
Biblical submission must never be used to excuse physical violence, sexual coercion, threats, intimidation, stalking, financial captivity or other abusive conduct. Such behaviour is not Christlike headship and should not be spiritualised as “marital authority.”
Where there is immediate danger, the priority is safety. Trusted leaders, professional services and appropriate civil authorities may need to become involved. Seeking safety is not the same as rejecting the biblical covenant of marriage.
Likewise, a church leader should never pressure an abused spouse to remain in immediate danger merely to preserve appearances.
19. A Practical Discernment Test
Before deciding that your spouse is “a stumbling block,” ask:
- Is my proposed action clearly required by Scripture, or is it my preference?
- Have I treated my spouse as a covenant partner in the decision?
- Am I neglecting responsibilities at home?
- Is my church or ministry demanding something unhealthy?
- Does my spouse have a legitimate concern I have not heard?
- Am I using “headship” or “submission” to win an argument?
- Am I willing to sacrifice my preference for the health of the marriage?
- If I must obey God against my spouse’s wishes, can I do so without contempt or retaliation?
- Would mature, impartial believers recognise my conduct as Christlike?
20. DIRECT ANSWER TO THE QUESTION
If a spouse disagrees with or resists a church-related decision, do not immediately label that spouse a stumbling block. First establish whether the issue is genuine disobedience to God, a matter of wisdom, or a marital responsibility that has not been handled well.
The husband should lead in the manner of Christ – sacrificially, lovingly, responsibly and without harshness. The wife should honour and cooperate with her husband as is fitting in the Lord. Both must listen, pray and seek unity under Christ.
If a spouse directly requires sin or abandonment of Christ, the believer must obey God. If the issue is a nonessential church preference, ministry schedule, financial commitment or practical decision, the couple should work toward agreement rather than turning the matter into a contest of spiritual authority.
21. 777th Precinct Ministries – Position Statement
777th Precinct Ministries affirms marriage as a one-flesh covenant under the lordship of Jesus Christ. We affirm the husband’s responsibility for Christlike headship expressed through sacrificial love, service, protection and accountability, and the wife’s call to honour and cooperate with her husband as is fitting in the Lord.
We reject domination, coercion, spiritual manipulation and any use of Scripture to silence legitimate questions, excuse abuse or force participation in sin. Biblical submission never removes personal accountability to Christ, and biblical headship never gives a husband permission to act as an unchecked ruler.
We further affirm that pastors and spiritual fathers should strengthen the marriage covenant rather than compete with it. Church participation, ministry commitments and financial giving should be pursued with integrity toward both God and the household.
When disagreement arises, the goal is not to determine which spouse can overpower the other, but to bring both hearts and decisions under the Word of God, the character of Christ and the wisdom of the Holy Spirit.
22. Conclusion
Marriage is not strengthened when one spouse “wins” and the other is crushed. Kingdom marriage grows when both husband and wife learn to die to selfishness, speak truth, listen carefully, honour one another and submit every decision to Christ.
Sometimes the spouse who appears to be the obstacle needs correction. Sometimes the person claiming spiritual authority needs correction. Sometimes both need greater understanding.
The measuring rod is therefore not merely the husband’s will, the wife’s will, the pastor’s expectation or the church programme. The measuring rod is the Word of God rightly applied in the spirit and character of Christ.
Love sacrificially. Honour one another. Refuse manipulation. Protect the covenant. Obey God. Seek peace. And where disagreement remains, pursue wisdom until the marriage can move forward in truth and unity.
Grace to you.
Scripture quotations are from the Berean Standard Bible (BSB), public domain.
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